That is a formula for major suckage.

This weekend was fun filled with a great bon voyage dinner for Cherise and her family on Friday, lunch with family we have not seen in a long while on Saturday, a Movie and Disneyland on Saturday night, and church on Sunday.

But today, I am not feeling so hot. I woke up at 94 which was a nice but my head was pounding.

I have a follow up appointment with my neurologist on Friday regarding the weird surges I get in my head. Last week I had more blood drawn since the MRI came back all clear. I still have the weird feeling like I am going to pass out now and then so I hope we get to the bottom of this.

My search for an endo needs to happen. I started looking and got overwhelmed. I need to just do it and get in to see someone. I really do not want to step a foot back into my current endo’s office if I do not have to. What kills me is that I jumped through several hoops just to get to this “great” guy and yet I was not happy at all.

Oh man, is it me? Maybe I am just a bad patient. Ugh, I dunno. I have this vision in my head of this “endo” that I don’t even know exists. But I have to find someone.

This is probably one of the most disjointed posts I have written in a while and for that I apologize but like I said at the beginning.

It’s Monday and I have a headache. Forgive me.

My good friend and fellow rap artist Cherise (aka Suga) and her amazing family are moving today and we are getting together to have a farewell dinner.

I met Cherise face to face at a meet up with her and Jaimie who both did not know that I was bringing along my buddy Scott to surprise them. We hit it off immediately and once again the diabetes common denominator brought 2 amazing people in my life and their families.

As much as I am sad to see my friend and her family go I am thankful that I can call her "friend" and the feeling of family I have with her is a blessing too.

So tonight we eat together as common residents of the State of Cal-EE-For-Nya (as Arnie would say it) one last time and I am already looking forward to the first trip her and her family make out this way.

You will be missed my dear friend.

I am starting this post with that statement because it’s true and if you don’t read her blog you should check it out. Okay. Now that I have that out of the way I can move on.

Sara is going with a group to Haiti to work at an orphanage for 10 days. This trip was planned before the earthquake and even though there have been times when she was not sure what she was going to do, she is going to make the trip tomorrow morning before the sun comes up.

She has said that she is taking her Flip and her camera so we should get a feel for her trip when she gets back. I cannot wait to hear all about it. I know this trip has been on her heart for a long time and I cannot believe the time to leave is already here!

I have the honor of updating the OC with any info I get from her and the group. She will not have internet access but updates from the group leader are being sent out.

I thought it would be a cool to just have a place for those updates. So if you are checking up on her and the group just click on the link above called Sara’s Trip or go to www.ninjabetic.com/sara.

(I love this picture!)

When I am feeling down and out and need some support I am thankful that diabetes has brought amazing people into my life that I love like I love my own family. I read their stories, there Tweets, their Facebook updates and I feel like I am with “my people” and never ever feel alone.

When I guess my blood sugar before I test and am almost right I am thankful for diabetes. It forces me to listen to my body and to try to pay attention to how I feel. Sometimes curve balls are thrown but the truth is, I can usually say, “Oh man, I think I’m high,” and sure enough there will be a number confirming that on my One Touch.

I am thankful for diabetes when someone I have never met sends me a letter or a gift in the mail. Not for the gift but for this honest friendship and love that exists online and in the virtual world. These friends I have never met in person but whom I care for deeply. A lot of these people I am closer to then people I come in contact with daily. That is something I cannot deny that diabetes has given me.

At times when I get an email from a reader who thanks me for motivating them or making them think about something. That is a time I am very thankful for diabetes. Helping others is something I always try to do and diabetes has allowed me to have a reason and a voice.

No I would not wish it on my friends and before I had it I would never have wanted it. Heck if you offered me a cure I would take it in a heartbeat but you would not be reading this if it weren’t for diabetes.

And with that, I am thankful I have it.

Sometimes.

Usually we have some product training by our vendors and just go over numbers and the direction of the company.

We had someone come in to talk to us about our 401k and it really got to me. She kept talking about taking risks because we are all so young and have a long life to live. She said for the older folks, they may want to switch their mutual funds to something more conservative.

At one point, she looked right at me when she said, “and those of you who are young…” and I just about crumbled.

My mortality is on my mind a lot. I have always felt I was dealt a lousy hand and diabetes kind of confirmed it. My family history is awful so the odds of an old and gray ninja are pretty slim. That not only scares me, because of my wife and kids, but depresses me.

I have mentioned my fears to my doctor and he thinks I am just some sort of Emo dude who wants to die. Not the case. I am a realist and since both my father and his father died of heart attacks at very young ages (my dad was 43) it goes without saying that I probably inherited some of those bum genes.

So be it.

But in a case like this do I take the risky route and act the way a “young” guy does or have I already passed the halfway mark? I am almost 37. I am sure I have.

Do you feel you should take the same risks with your retirement that say someone without diabetes would? I know not everyone is lucky enough to have this problem but still, it is a problem. 

What do you do?

Oh man, now I am really excited!

YES!!!!

I have been really down the past few days and this really made me feel so much better. Knowing how much this community looks out for one another and cares about one another is just amazing. It’s support I would have never thought I could find on a computer through the internet.

So Bill, at 1 Happy Diabetic, you are helping to make me a happy diabetic and I cannot tell you how much I needed this lift.

And as far as your note goes, the only thing better than the scent of yummy bacon would be enjoying a few strips with my East Coast Bro!

Thank you Bill!

One thing I will say is I am still keeping up with the Lent Loser thing but my diabetes stuff has just been unacceptable.

First, I stopped taking Symlin because of the nausea. I stopped this several weeks ago and just took an injection right before typing this. Hopefully I won't get sick on my keyboard. Yuck.

Second, the CGMS. I tried again after my little break and had another sensor telling me I was 42 all day long. Need I say more?

The Diabetes 365 project I have totally flaked on. I was taking pictures everyday in fact, I have a bunch I never uploaded but I just gave up. I give up a lot. 

I have cancelled 2 appointments with my neurologist, 1 with my endo (the old one), still have not really actively looked for a new endo, skipped out on a diabetes mentor training that I was so excited about but I talked myself out of doing. 

I give up a lot.

I am realizing more and more that I am the worst motivator, and advocate for me. For George. I assume I cannot do anything and am my own worst enemy. 

This post went from a quick rant to a deeper realization as these words flow from my fingers. 

Why do I do this? Should I explore this? Will I? Probably not since I can talk myself into and out of something faster than you can say Bacon Wrapped Bacon. 

Just when I think I am getting my shit together I fall apart.

Can I blame diabetes?

I don't think so.

Well that was what it felt like although I am sure many would disagree, including me. But that summer marked the beginning of Blogabetes on dLife and I was lucky enough to be asked to be one of the contributing writers there.

Between The B.A.D. Blog and Blogabetes pretty much everything that popped into my head went into a post somewhere. It was good to have two different places to share but also it was a struggle sometimes with family, work, and life in general needing attention. Duh.

So with that, as of today, I am no longer a blogger at Blogabetes.

That was a lot harder to type than I thought I would be. Wow.

Anyhow, I know that with my new position at work time will be required of me that was not before and I would hate to either not post, or write something that I am not proud of. I cannot do that and If I cannot contribute then I need to step away.

And that is what I have done.

To all of you Blogabetes writers and the dLife crew, I will miss being a part of the team and to any of you who enjoyed reading my posts there, thank you so much. I hope I can still put out posts like that here but it is going to take some time to figure out this new part of my life and find a balance that will work.

If you don’t know what Blogabetes is, you should check it out because there are some GREAT people writing there.

Take care Blogabetes, and thanks for the awesome chapter in my life!